Directions

When I bought my car a couple of years ago, I decided to have a GPS built in because I'm terrible with directions and New Jersey isn't exactly known for its helpful road signs. (Sorry people on the Roads and Transportation Commission, or whatever sorry agency is in charge of that stuff, but putting up a sign that says "Garden State Parkway-Next Right" isn't helpful when that right turn is about 4 feet away and there's a line of bumper to bumper cars all waiting to get off. I'm sure one of them is going to want to let me in.)



For the most part, the GPS gets me where I need to go, but sometimes I find myself yelling "hey, what the hell did I ever do to you?" when I look up and suddenly find myself in the middle of a corn field thanks to my trusted navigator.

I'll admit it. I talk to my GPS on a regular basis. What's even sadder is that I've given her a name (yes, she's a "she"): Helloise. Yep, that's "Helloise" with two Ls.

Helloise and I have been on the outs lately due to some poor directional tips and snotty attitude on her part. Her general tone is relatively condescending to begin with, what with her not quite American but not quite British accent. (She actually kind of reminds me of Frasier...what do you call that accent? Ass-stickian? As in, I have a stick up my ass and I'm going to speak this way until it's removed. Ass-stickian. I like it.)

So yes, Helloise has an Ass-stickian accent to begin with, but if heaven forbid you do something contrary to what she suggests, then the attitude really starts to kick in.

"Recalculating," she'll tell me in utter disgust, followed by "drive 1.2 miles; then make a u-turn." Sure. What better way to get revenge than by forcing me into one of those cloverleaf/jughandle/whatever stupid-ass name you want to call it Jersey left turns? I just love driving miles out of my way only to wind up in the exact same spot on the other side of the road.

And fine, I'll admit that I don't always listen to Helloise, but it's not out of disrespect, it's out of confusion. Remember how I said that I was bad with directions? Well, sometimes even with a GPS telling me where to go, I still make mistakes. I'm human. It happens. But when Helloise tells me to turn left at what is clearly a brick wall and not an intersection, do you think I get even the slightest apology? No, of course not. There's no "I'm sorry, let me try that again." Instead, I get that same nasty "recalculating," as if it's my fault for not following her rather reckless advice.

I'm trying to do my part to mend my relationship with Helloise, and not because I blame myself (though I have been known to start screaming "screw you, Helloise" in the middle of those corn fields, one of which I really did wind up in the other day), but because I could really use the help in getting around.

Of course, there's another option: get a map and then use my brain to figure out where to go. But then when I find myself driving around in frantic circles looking for my exit, who am I going to blame when it's nowhere to be found?